When to cut bait with your parents

My GF’s mother is a shitbag. She competes against her daughter for attention, pits family members against each other, lies outright in texts, uses passive/aggressive behavior through texts and phone calls, stole money from her family and is a raging alcoholic. She is with her second husband only because he is a contractor and earns good money, which she can spend on the new house they just built. They get into screaming matches all the time.

GF’s dad is a POS as well. He abandoned her as a child. He dates girls younger than his daughter (she’s 26) while totally abstaining from a relationship with his own daughter. He sends her photos of his new conquests (G rated). He has flaked on plans with his daughter on the last three consecutive Fathers Day holidays. All the while her mother and biological father give her shit because she’s been with me and I’m around the same age as them.

Parents can be the open sore that never heals to some people. My own mother has been in a cult (The Watchtower/JW’s) for the last 40 years and the cult tells her not to speak to any family members that aren’t in the cult (meaning me) But she takes it to another level. She happens to attend the same congregation as her mother and brother and very few people in that congregation know that they are related. She hasn’t spoken to her own mother in 5 years. This after borrowing money constantly over the years to fund her ‘missionary’ trips abroad. I recently went back home to the East Coast to visit my brothers and aforementioned Grandmother and when I went to call the last phone number for my mother, it was disconnected. I had no way of contacting her and giving her the opportunity to meet up since I haven’t seen her in over 20 years. She’s 64 now and I have no idea of her health but I figure she’s not going to be around much longer so I’ll give her a chance to see me before she dies.

My friends either think I’m being too generous or not trying hard enough. I’ve tried for years to figure out how my mother, as a sane rational person, could subscribe to a set of doctrines that alienate her from her own family. For years I thought it was me. Then I realized she wasn’t sane. She was delusional, weak minded and her behavior had never changed despite years of ‘therapy’ (ironically with a JW therapist). I then made the decision to treat her as I would any other person who couldn’t operate on a rational logical and healthy level. I stopped caring. I had no fucks to give. If she wants to see me before she dies, maybe I’ll make the trip. But only if it is convenient for me.

I try to tell my GF that she needs to cut her parents loose. They’re POS and will never change. They could stand there with you and argue that the sky is green. They’re going nowhere while their daughter is going somewhere; farther than they ever dreamed of (commercial pilot).

But she is so desperate to be loved by her mother. All she wants is her mother to acknowledge the fact that she is proud of her for doing what she’s doing. But her mother won’t do that. Instead, she has never gone up in a flight with her only daughter and she always points out a news article when there is a plane crash (See how unsafe it is?).

I went up on a flight on the third date with her. I knew her instructor was confident in her abilities and I was confident in his abilities. It was only after when her mother mentions that she might go up with her sometime.

Which would make GF very happy but so farĀ  mother hasn’t.

Cutting off parents is the hardest thing one can do. You basically kill them from your life, as if they were already dead. Then, we are reminded of our own mortality.

But if your parents were only as good as keeping clothes on you and food in your belly while on the other spectrum you see parents who are nurturing, respectful of the individual needs of a child, firm in their discipline and fair in their job of raising kids, do you have to be present and constantly reacting to your parents crazy behavior?

No. You don’t.

My mother was emotionally incapable of being a parent. She couldn’t handle it. For discipline, she would lock me in my room with a 5 gallon bucket to relieve myself when she had to leave the house for few hours. I wasn’t allowed to use the toilet in the house. She said she ‘couldn’t trust me to stay out of trouble’.

I think you can guess what that does to a child. My relationship with my own mother through the teens years definitely affected my relationships with females as an adult. It wasn’t until my later years that I realized my mother is fucked up and probably has been since childhood. So, I changed how I felt about her and what I felt I needed from her in order to be ‘okay’. I realized I didn’t need her approval. I didn’t need her to be proud of me. I didn’t need her to be in awe of my travels, my art, who I’ve met in my lifetime or my GF’s. I didn’t need her approval for the life I’ve led.

And I’m trying to impart this to my GF. She doesn’t need her mother’s approval. She’ll probably never approve. Because her mom’s broken. She’s fucked and she’s desperately trying to appear unfucked so she can point out all the people around her that are fucked. And she’ll continue to drain the GF’s energy, make her break out in hives, lose some of her hair and make her cry at night to me about how she hates her parents.

I realize this is probably nothing on the scale of what some of you may have gone through. Physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse are more common then we acknowledge. But you have to realize that these people who raised us are fucked up. Some a little bit and some a great deal. But it’s never you that fucked them up.

And if you are someone who is looking to do better, to be better and to think better-then you have to do what you’d do with the loser friends. Cut bait. Let the parents swim off into the ocean where you’ll never have see them again.

Live YOUR life!

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