Breakups suck and I know from experience the pain my guy friends have gone through when getting divorced. But Gerald Rogers recent blog post ignited in me a “great vengeance and furious anger toward those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers”.
It also raised many questions about his concept of marriage, relationships and the role woman are supposed to play and have played for thousands of years.
Here is what he wrote. Allow me to retort at the bottom.
text taken from http://geraldrogers.com/marriage-advice-i-wish-i-would-have-had/
-“MARRIAGE ADVICE I WISH I WOULD HAVE HAD:
Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about going through divorce that gives you perspective of things you wish you would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had…
1) Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.
You will never “own” a woman’s heart. Whoever told you that was pulling one over on you. Women cannot be owned especially when their own heart is focused on youth, keeping their beauty and being “given” the same entitlements as men without earning them.
2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.
Love yourself first. You must keep a place in your heart no woman has access to. Not even your wife.
3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.
For most people, they hate change. They resist change. Look around you. People want to be comfortable and cruise. If you are a man, you should be naturally curious and seeking ways to better yourself and your skillsets. You should have chosen a mate who would be the same.
Also, she does have to stay with you. That is what a marriage is- a contract between a man and a woman (in Christian eyes) before God. I get the sense he is a Christian so I mention this. “Til death do you part.” Period.
4) ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love.
I agree. But focusing only on the good will not fix what needs to be fixed, if she has irrational, histrionic, compulsive and obsessive behavior or thoughts.
5) IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.
Marriage is not a job. A job pays you money. You do your job so you can come home to your castle.
With no expectation of her changing? In 3, you mention “you” will change; why wouldn’t you expect your wife to do the same? That sounds illogical.
6) TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.
Yes, you are responsible for your own happiness and if your wife does not enhance that, you need to move on to one who does. That should have been thought about before tying the knot. Funny, how they refer to marriage as a ‘knot’……
7) NEVER BLAME your wife If you get frustrated or angry, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.
So, the wife is never the cause of frustration or anger? Even if that person is the cause? Fall on the sword I suppose….nah. Put the blame where the blame lies. If it’s with her behavior, nail it. Also, no one should be attracted to a woman because she triggers all the shit mommy did. I don’t need another mom…I need a partner.
8) Allow your woman to JUST BE. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.
People who cannot control their emotions are liabilities. Special Ops trainees learn t control their emotions when under extremely stressful circumstances- if they can learn to control this, why can’t a woman? The world runs on the ability to stay focused on the end game and those who let their emotions rule their judgement pay the price.
9) BE SILLY… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.
Take her to a comedy club. Get her drunk. Fuck the shit out of her when you get home. Then, watch Louis C K when she’s sleeping peacefully.
10) FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel loved.
Make a list of ten things that would make you feel loved and see what she does to make it happen. Number three should be “threeway with two Texas college cheerleaders”.
11) BE PRESENT. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.
Give her a time frame in which she can approach you with whatever her mind can think of. Designate two hours a day where she cannot bother , even if she is on fire. those two hours are dedicated to you building your second business revenue stream.
12) BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.
13) DON’T BE AN IDIOT…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.
14) GIVE HER SPACE… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered.)
Of course. And this means you get space as well, like a night out doing whatever you like.
15) BE VULNERABLE… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fear and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.
Dial that back 70 %. Woman don’t really want a vulnerable man, they want a master.
16) BE FULLY TRANSPARENT. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, and part of that courage is allowing her to love your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.
Never share everything. Keep 10 % for you.
17) NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is for a relationship that isn’t focused on growing. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.
That should have been vetted before the marriage.
18) DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.
Money is a game to woman. To men, it’s life and death. If she doesn’t respect the value of money, managing it properly and doesn’t feel the need to drive a hard bargain on the luxury things she will want, she will cost you money in the end. If she feels “oh well, we’ll (you will) just make more, cut her off and move to another state.
19) FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. Forgiveness is freedom. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.
20) ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.
Sometimes, love of self is more important.
In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.
These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late.
But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.
MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE : Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you.
Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.”