After every relationship breaks down, one tends to go back and try to find signs that may have pointed to the inevitable; that she wasn’t the one you’d be spending your life with.
Whether it manifests itself through crazy behavior or a skewed value system on the part of the person you’re with, it is the part of living where one can find value in the failed experiment.
In my case, I had gone to France and fell in love immediately with a woman who I thought was the one I had dreamed about meeting and being with for the better part of my life.
A radiant smile, wild curly long hair, a very feminine presence, a great laugh, and a flirtatious look in her eye that made a man rock hard, she was everything that most men dream about meeting in some romantic evening setting in the south of France.
For me, every shit relationship I had endured was a lead up to this. This was my reward for selling my belongings, leaving the states, and seeking a new chapter in my life.
Three years later, I decided to end the relationship as my finances were drained, my new business wasn’t getting enough financial traction to be able to continue living in the Cote d’Azur without stressing about making ends meet.
As I went back and tried to figure out what went wrong, I realized nothing WENT wrong. It was wrong from the get go but I had ignored the signs like a foolish man who’s idea of a story book romance was more important than the reality I found myself in.
-She had daddy issues.
She wasn’t abused by her father but somehow because she had sexual arousal at some point in her life towards her dad, she was unable to communicate with him in a normal father/duaghter relationship.
-She had previous relationships with men who used drugs and abused her.
She seldom spoke of past lovers but when she did, a pattern emerged. The men were addicted to coke or hash and she loved them so much she tried to save them. Those men eventually moved on. Her husband verbally and physically abused her until she ran away one day never to return. Years after, he would still contact her to see her and she would go to meet him and tell him it’s over and she didn’t want to pursue a relationship. He still kept contacting her even when she was with me.
-The relationship became transactional.
After she quit her job and decided she wanted to help me with my start up, she demanded compensation for every cost (gas , parking, toll) including half the cost of her mortgage on her flat. This was after the fact that I paid her a 20% commission on sales she made and the rest of my revenue was going towards ‘my half’ of the flat costs. I paid myself last.
-She did not trust me to be a man who can acquire new skills.
We took a 10 day trip to a ClubMed vacation spot where we met a guy who was a very good Hobie Cat skipper. We took free classes with instructors at the resort the entire week, couple times a day in addition to going out with Pierre*. Pierre showed me how to read wind and adjust, how to tack and have good situational awareness. Pierre had confidence in me.
On the second to last day, I took a Hobie Cat out and had her join me. As we headed out and made directional changes, she started freaking out, thinking we were going to sail off to Africa while I got my bearings situated to rejoin Pierre and head off in the direction to our location.
She literally jumped of the Hobie into the water and headed to shore.
-She wanted sex 3 or 4 times a day.
She liked sex. Sex was good. But she wanted it all the time and she wanted me to instigate it. While having sex 3 or 4 times a day in the beginning is not uncommon because it’s new fresh pussy, it is unsustainable in the long term. She refused to acknowledge that the spark isn’t there al the time.
-The gifts she gave me paled compared to the gifts she asked for and I provided.
She saw a ring she liked and asked if I’d buy it for her. Months later, I surprised her at Xmas at her family with the ring. She cried and was totally not expecting it. She expressed interest in other jewelry (two necklaces, a bracelet and a ring), which I bought for her as surprises.
I received three gifts from her during that time. A turtleneck sweater, a v-neck sweater and another sweater from Empario Armani
I had to fly back to the states on two occasions to wrap up some personal things. On both occasions she cried as if I was leaving her and never coming back. She couldn’t bear a day without me in her bed. She didn’t want to sleep alone.
This happened again when I went to Paris for a 4 day journey. Twice. It happened when I stayed overnight in Nice at a friends place.
-Her mother is a saint.
Her mother can do no wrong. Her mother was born poor and the youngest of 5 children. She was malnourished as a child and subsequently had major pain thru out her adult life. Her family allowed a friend of the family, who promised to bring her to Paris at the age of 15 to seek work, take her from her home. She never made it to Paris. She got dumped in Frankfurt. Alone. She didn’t know a lick of German.
Despite all this, she made it through and had a family. She raised them with hardly any help from the husband. Her husband was working but considered himself more of an artist. He had a lackadaisical attitude towards life. He wanted to enjoy it. Even though he put food on the table and took the family on vacations to Spain, it wasn’t enough for my girlfriend.
-She admitted to past liaisons with married men but nagged me about all the women I had been with.
While she worked at a resort in the child care facility, she had many married men approach her. And she took advantage of that. She even would sit with the family at dinners with full knowledge she was cheating the wife by fucking the husband. When confronted, she denied it and said the woman was imagining things.
But when It came to my past lovers, she wanted to know every detail; why I liked them, how we met, how long was it before I slept with them, etc, etc.
-Schizophrenia ran in her family.
Her half sister has the condition. Her mother and herself both had bouts of melancholy that would keep them down for weeks.
-She was more concerned with what people thought of her than actually allowing people a chance to get to know her.
She didn’t like meeting new people. But she was also concerned that her friends had the right impression of her despite her flaws.
-She quit her job.
After 10 successful years in a high profile industry, she decided she wanted to try her hand at something new. She didn’t know what. She would figure it out. So she took unemployment which paid her a very good portion of her salary that she was already getting. And didn’t look for a job for a year. Until the time came that her UEM was going to be drastically reduced and she would have barely enough to cover her bills. Guess who she looked to carry her when that happened? Me.
-She was a bitch to my two best friends.
My best friend of 17 years, my ‘brother from anotha motha’ came to town and had one night to share dinner with us. We met at a great restaurant where she proceeded to be combative and pretend she didn’t understand why we were laughing at stories of our shenanigans from the past.
My other friend, an upcoming filmmaker in Paris, invites us to his flat for drinks. He and his wife live in the 1st. It’s a beautiful flat in a great neighborhood. Through the evening she takes pot shots at how he and his wife are so ‘Parisian’. “Yeah, they are Parisian, get over it. They are also the most generous people I’ve met.”
-She harbored whimsical thoughts of running off and starting over again.
When I finally got my visa and moved in with her, she would say things like, “Lets go somewhere and start fresh! I want to live with the wild wind and feel the sand in my toes all the time and make love every day.” Really? I just moved 10k miles here to be with you and start a new business and you want to move? We live on the beach in the Cote d’ Azur, where do you want to go? I thought all of your friends are here? You love this place.
“With you, I feel anything is possible!”, she replies.
-She had no photos around in her place, not even of her family.
These weren’t personality flaws. These were personal choices in behavior based on irrational thinking.
She’s not a bad person. She just wasn’t the one for me. I let her go so someone else can break his back trying to make her happy. I value my independence.
Happy Independence Day!
*name changed to protect the good person